All of my hope is gone...

As I sit at the computer and try to be strong once again, I'm finding the tears streaming down my face.  It is this time that I shall be able to post.  My heart feels truly as if any hope that I may have had is gone forever.  There really are no words to describe the devastation that Scott and I feel. 

Where to begin?  Scott and I took 2 rounds of clomid and a HCG shot as well.  When nothing happened, I began to feel like there was something else going on... and it was not with me.  As nervous and anxious as I was, I spoke to my doctor about having Scott do a semen analysis.  She gladly wrote the orders up and said that it usually takes 3 times because they want to get an average.  Scott knew what needed to be done because I had talked to him about it several times before.  He was very willing and able to do what was needed and I was certainly very thankful for that.  On the morning of the first sample, I rushed it to the hospital praying that the results were going to come out alright.  My heart and nerves were in a power struggle for that entire week.  Once a few days passed, I began to call the hospital to see why the results had not been returned, and all they could tell me was the pathologist had not read it yet.  UGH!!!!

A little over a week after the sample went to the hospital, I went back to my GYN for the second ultrasound for our second round of clomid.  Before she even took me to do my ultrasound, she came in to talk to me about what the results of the sample were.  Her words hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew what I had been feeling was right.  She said, Stacey, they found only 1 sperm.  With my heart pounding, we went ahead and did the ultrasound and she said that everything on your end looks great!  The good news is the clomid works beautifully for you, however, with the results that your husband got, there is no reason to continue to poke and probe on you.  At the end of my appointment, she had given me some names of specialists in male infertility.  With that in hand, I took it and made an appointment with one, Dr. S..

A month later, Aug. 16, we went to see Dr. S. and he had Scott do another sample and get bloodwork done.  At that point he said that he didn't know anything yet because he wanted the results of those tests to help him better determine what the possible problem was.  So, another waiting game came.  A little over a month later, on September 24, we went back to get the results of the tests that had been done.  My nerves and heart were still in competition with each other because all we had done was hurry up and wait.  Nearly ready to explode, we went in and sat down with Dr. S. to hear what had been found.  Dr. S. told us that all of Scott's bloodwork came back in the normal range.  They tested everything... stuff I didn't even know they could do with a blood sample.  I was relieved that everything came back normal, including the amount of liquid that Scott had in his sample.  The problem they found was consistant with Scott's sample back in July, he does not produce sperm.  Or I should say, Scott does not produce any living sperm and what they do see is only 1 in his sample.  My heart flew appart and my emotions went raging.  I bawled all the way home and for many days thereafter. 

Our options... Well, they told us of what we could do and while we still have options, I am still an emotional wreck.  Option #1 - Scott has a biopsy done and a sperm extraction.  The biopsy would be covered under our insurance and the extraction will cost us upfront $3,500.00.  The extraction is 60% successful, however when they freeze what they can get, there is a 50% loss of what they extracted.  After that we then can do IVF for an upfront cost of $10,000.00 to $12,000.00 a try.  Option #2 - We get a donor, which would be done through Dr. S's office and would match Scott as closely as possible.  With the donor we can do IUI for $300 to $400 a try.  Option #3 - Obviously is adoption. 

At this point, Scott is willing to have done whatever needs to be for the IVF... however, we just don't have $15,000.00 plus to put into a try.  So for now, that option is on the back burner and may stay there and never get used.  There are so many emotions behind using a donor, and as selfish as I think it is, I would be okay using that option.  But I am also torn because I want Scott's baby and not someone else's.  WHY?  WHY?  WHY God?  To be honest with all of you, I have been very angry at God for many reasons.  It has been a struggle that I am slowly and I do mean slowly trying to deal with and come to grips with at the same time. 

On a positive note... although I can see how easily two people can drift apart during times of trial like this, Scott and I have been drawn closer together.  We have talked and are in agreement that as tough as this is and will get, we have each other and nothing is going to change that.  I am so in love with Scott that I could not imagine my life without him.  I feel like his manhood has been ripped to shred's and I blame God for that, as well as our struggles with infertility.  How awful it must be for him because he has told me that he knows he can't give me what I want and that he feels like a failure once again.  This tears me up because I don't see him like that and so I have tried to make sure that I go out of my way to do as many little extra things as possible for him. 

As for now, our infertility journey has been put on hold.  The root reason, money.  Seems like it is always ends up being about the stinkin' money.  It is awful to think that there are so many of us out there fighting this battle when so many more are able to simply have the family that we have always wanted.  It's so not fair! 

Well, I managed to get through this post and hopefully it is comprehensible.  Thank you to all for your prayers.  They have meant the world to us.  We are certainly learning so much more about our faith than we could have ever imagined.  Your continued prayers for us would also be welcomed for it is with those that we will be able to discern the next direction or path to take in this struggle to have a child/family. 

Hugs and blessings,